You won't break my soul

Reflections on my first year of working for myself

“You’re so courageous.”

One of my dearest friends is visiting from New York. We are sitting in my kitchen savoring cups of vanilla rose tea. She sits in a plush pink velvet chair, cradling her tea with both hands. Her gaze remains fixed on me as she repeats herself.

“You’ve always been so brave with your choices, brave with your heart.”

I’ve heard those words before, usually from those who see the best in me. With limited time and energy, I have learned to only create space for those who truly understand and believe in me, embracing the unique value of what I hope to create in this lifetime.

And she is one of those people. 

I express my gratitude sincerely, turning my gaze away and releasing a nervous breath. Before telling her the truth, I pause. Honesty is something I continuously work on– first with myself, and then with others.

 “I don’t feel brave,” I confess. “I feel terrified.”

Nearly a year ago, I took a leap and quit my job. It was around the time Beyoncé released “Break My Soul” and quiet quitting was becoming common vocabulary. A movement was underway, prompting people to reevaluate their relationship with work. Little did we know that just a few months later, various industries would face massive layoffs, shattering the illusion of “job security.” But at that time, we were oblivious to what was ahead. 

Not everyone gets to quit their jobs and not everyone wants to quit their jobs. I think it’s important to say: that’s perfectly okay too. I come from a lineage of people who take great pride in their jobs. For many of us, access to jobs is disproportionately challenging. For many of us, our success rests on the shoulders of our ancestors’ sacrifices. For many of us, we are responsible to more than just ourselves. I thought about all of this before I finally decided to hit send on my resignation. I want something different for myself. I am also at a moment in my life where I am able to make certain compromises to take a chance.

The weekend after I submitted my resignation, two friends hosted a house party. One of them played Beyoncé for me and I found myself dancing on their living room floor beneath neon lights as if I had caught the Holy Spirit. Out of breath, off key, but completely committed. 

Eyes slightly closed, head tilted back, I sang with all my heart.

“You won’t break my soul….I’m telling everybody….Now, I just fell in love…and I just quit my job”

In that moment, I experienced a profound sense of freedom.

(Night of the house party, Home of Paloma + Valerie, Oakland, CA)

For most of my life, I ran towards the things I was raised to value– a good job, financial security, a quality education. You know, all the things that capitalism insists matter. I wasted so much precious time trying to make other people proud. While running, I lost sight of my own vision. Unfortunately, the world rarely extends grace to Black women it doesn’t understand. I am learning to extend that grace to myself. This means that I’ve had to get clear on my own values and vision. 

During this introspective journey, I began to ask myself a new question– one that I now share with the hope that  it may also resonate with someone else.

A Contemplation: 

What would it look like to make yourself proud? What is the dream you’ve been afraid to say out loud? Speak it. It’s okay if it starts as a whisper. It’s okay if you only say it to yourself. Just say it. After you’ve spoken it, sit without how it feels. It might feel silly or selfish. It might feel empowering or invigorating. Just acknowledge it. Capture whatever emerges for you.

If I were to distill the most important lesson in my journey as a solopreneur thus far, it would be this:

You must have an unshakeable belief in yourself. Be ready to make yourself proud. 

Today I have a fierce belief in myself and the vision I’ve been given. While there are no guarantees that I’ll amass great wealth or worldly success, I will know that I did everything with a full heart.

That, for me, is the answer to my own question. Making myself proud means embracing my vision wholeheartedly. It means being of service to others, starting by honoring myself and my gifts.

May each of us find the courage to believe in our visions, our most wildly audacious dreams.  My courage was strengthened when I decided to leave my job. 

A wise friend often reminds me, “When we’re running, we need to make sure we aren’t just running from something. We need to understand what we are running toward.” 

As I build With Space Between, the clarity of what I’m running toward becomes increasingly clear. I am running toward the future I hope to live in one day. With Space Between aims to create experiences and spaces that facilitate our own remembrance. I hope to create a small version of the future I want to live in – a future rooted in love and collective care where each of us experiences the freedom of being understood as our authentic selves. It is a future rooted in community where we can feel a little less alone as we navigate “the between”. It is a future where we are celebrated for our existence beyond our achievements. With Space Between is dedicated to discovering what we learn from “the between”– the space between binaries, the time of transition between changes, and the tension between values. There is so much wisdom and connection to be found in those in-between moments. 

As I find my way back to my own dreams, I promise to continue sharing from an honest place on this page. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you’ll consider subscribing. I am committed to creating content from a spacious place, allowing for emergence. I imagine this page may not always fit into a specific category, as it evolves alongside me. Sometimes it might feel like a short story. Sometimes it might feel like an essay. Sometimes it might feel like an exercise. Who knows? Sometimes it might even feel like erotica. There is room for all of it. I hope you’ll join me on this journey of unraveling all the beautiful, messy parts of being human and learning to hold them with tenderness. 

Thank you for being here. 

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